• Wed. Oct 5th, 2022

Mad Dogs and Englishmen: Charlie and Kevin’s subsidized dining establishment

ByStephanie M. Akbar

Aug 28, 2022

As some of you may already know, late last week Charlie and Kevin’s integrity was denigrated by Will Menaker from the podcast Chapo Trap House – a charmless dorm-style podcast for nasty left-leaning guys.

Will claimed that Charlie and Kevin, the hosts of the Mad Dogs and English podcast, had a $160,000 PPP loan forgiven; a “gotcha” to counter Charlie and right-wing outrage at the Biden administration’s loan forgiveness program. Unfortunately for Will, a restaurant of the same name in Tampa was the beneficiary of government largesse, not Charlie and Kevin.

But we can forgive Will his stupidity because I think we all want to see Charlie and Kevin open a restaurant and a theme park.

Imagine it:

Governor DeSantis grants the two of them 100 acres of Florida shoreline and the autonomy that Disney has so long enjoyed. The roads are private; parking for motorcycles and cool cars is prioritized so every day an impromptu car meets directly outside the gates.

A gargantuan panel depicting Charlie and Kevin in the front car of the world’s largest, longest and most complex roller coaster greets visitors – Charlie smiling broadly with his hands in the air and Kevin gazing good-naturedly beside him with a scotch in hand (drinking would be allowed on the rides and encouraged on the bumper cars).

Naturally, there would be a Beatles museum, an audiophile and instrument store, and a large concert hall. Apple would have an outlet there (duty free, of course).

A big draw would be the “Competent Government Simulator,” which would simply be Kevin’s vacation footage in Switzerland. American visitors would swoon over the Swiss cantons and their model of direct democracy, with chocolate available for purchase on the way out.

The restaurants would be fusionist places (pun intended), and the barbecues would never close.

Gun safety lessons would be included in the price of admission, and successful passage through the demanding schooling would open up opportunities to use the Build-an-AR shop. Attachments, assembly assistance and guidance would be available as families build together.

Any line would have a refreshment service available through an app, with model railways (privatized and right-to-work) alongside queues of automated trains to deliver your drink or snack of choice. Carrier-branded robotic air conditioning assistants would float alongside customers throughout the park, ensuring customers would feel refreshed on even the hottest days in Florida.

Charlie’s classy English accent would greet customers, “We’re always so glad you’re here” to start the day, and Kevin’s gruffer “Now get out of here” drove away the crowds at closing time.

Even better, a similar place already exists, proving the viability of such an attraction. Doc’s Harley-Davidson in Wisconsin combines an alligator zoo, a Harley dealership, a barbecue restaurant, a classic vehicle museum, and a pirate ship, all in one weird and fascinating mall.

So while Will Menaker may be misinformed and a shameless jerk, I can only applaud his support for Charlie and Kevin’s future commercial success as owners of Mad Dogs & Englishmen Park, “Where Levity Meets Liberty “.

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